One of my close friends said the other day, that one should always say what is on one’s mind and not leave room for regret later. Not one to preach but not practise what she says, she lives her life accordingly. She expresses love and hate quite indiscriminately and with equal enthusiasm. Although this trait of hers has landed her in a soup on quite a few occasions, she has not changed and I admire her for it.
The only occasions, where I would have liked to incorporate this advice of hers’, are times when, I was terribly let down by people whom I had trusted and lovingly incorporated as prominent threads in the sparse fabric of my life .What I felt then was a boiling rage, pain mingled with hurt but helpless because no words would come.
I suffer from this particular predicament of wanting to scream and hurl abuses at someone who has hurt me and not even realized it, but am unable to do so. My throat simply closes up and words refuse to co-operate with me in that particular moment. People have different ways of dealing with anger and grief. Some of you tend to let it all out, and once the storm is over you feel much better for it. You let the other know exactly what you think of them. How I wish, it was the same for me. My way of handling things is much different and regrettably inadequate. Not only am I not able to express my feelings but I shy away from any ugly situations and retract into myself, shutting my mind against the reality of what is happening. I am ashamed to admit that I am a bit of a coward and tend to avoid confrontations; sometimes at the cost of losing my peace of mind.
I wish I knew what is it that stops me…is it the thought of saying something cruel and hurting the person in front of me or is it the fear that I may hear something about myself that I wish had been left unsaid.