Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
I've saved the best for the last
'' I'm not scared of dying; I'd rather not be there when it happens''.
I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.
Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.
What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
Do you know what a pessimist is? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.
I have saved the best for the last…
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem
- George Bernard Shaw
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
Biography lends to death a new terror. Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
- OSCAR WILDE